I lost my job only a few days before full lockdown came into effect back in March. Since then it has become easy to feel as if I have been completely unproductive, and hate myself for ruining my sleep schedule and spending days at a time not leaving my flat. Obviously, given the fact there's a pandemic, it is considered a good thing to stay home, but it doesn't negate the years of being instructed, on a bright sunny day, that I am wasting the day by staying inside, nor does it diminish the sense of worth we were indoctrinated to believe only comes from progressing in a career. But now, at 23 years old, mere months after graduating university, I have stagnated, and feel nothing but overwhelming guilt and shame for it.
To add to this, there were endless social media trends, in which people were determined to get fit, start a small business or write a novel during the great plague of 2020. People began running, doing Chloe Ting workouts, gain a skill, start a craft and making earrings at home. It is admirable of course, that many people have achieved these things, but it is absolutely ridiculous to assume you have 'failed' at existing during an internationally unprecedented time, just because you haven't 'succeeded' in the way these social media trends would have you assume is the only way to succeed.
There's no right way to exist during a pandemic, and there should absolutely be no pressure to improve, create, or progress. The only thing anyone should be focused on is surviving. Yes, Shakespeare might have written a play during the great plague, but do we ever look back and laugh at every one else for not writing plays? Or are we just happy for the people who survived long enough to become our ancestors? Survival is enough.
It is for these reasons I decided to look around and appreciate all the things I have done during lockdown, that despite not necessarily adding to my career progression, still hold worth, despite not necessarily being goal oriented or reaching some definable idea of success.
1. Spoke to my family and friends far more often
Before lockdown, despite all living in different parts of the UK, I rarely spoke to my friends, and was lucky to speak to my family once a week. During lockdown I started facetiming friends weekly (although I'll admit that dwindled lately, but I appreciate the time we did have) and I call my sisters almost every day. I started writing letters to my grandmother, knowing she was living alone hundreds of miles away during all this just made me want to reach out, and it has become a habit now. Doing weekly quizzes and using apps like houseparty might have been a staple of the beginning of lockdown thats now dwindled, but its truly something I appreicate now for what it was, and that is people craving human connection and friendship, during a terrible time.
2. Redecorated my space
Thanks to TikTok I am constantly being overwhelmed by how amazing other people have decorated their rooms. I have begun to love bright colours a lot during lockdown, perhaps because I am bored of staring at the same wall for hours on end, but because of this I starting making decorations for my bedroom walls, as well as putting up more posters and photos to give my space more identity, and really feel like somewhere I want to spend 24 hours a day in.
3. Create
Since leaving school, although I did do some painting and drawing every now and then throughout university, I never have done more art that over lockdown. I have painted 12 portraits, filled 2 sketchbooks and knitted a cardigan (currently knitting the second one), as well as creating all the decorations for my bedroom walls. Although most of the art I do is just for myself I have also been lucky enough to receive my first commissioned piece over lockdown, which was very exciting to make and send off all the way to america, earlier in the summer. I have an instagram page where I upload all my art pieces at @v.rt.y ( and my commissions are open)
I feel as an artist I have really improved over lockdown, and I think if I haven't achieved anything else, this is at least something. After selling my first painting I felt this pressure to sell more, and had this feeling of failure when I realised no one else really wanted to buy any more of my paintings, whilst also feeling like an impostor if I even tried to sell them. I have also started feeling this guilt from NOT monetising my other hobbies. As soon as I started posting about the cardigan I made everyone was telling me I should sell them, but it was just a bit of fun, something to do, something I wanted to make for myself and my family, but I felt kind of guilty for not making money from them. And of course I'd love to make money from them, and if anyone asks to buy or commission a painting or cardigan from me I'd love to do it, but recently, there's this pressure that you shouldn't be doing
anything unless you are making money from it, but that doesn't have to be the case, doing something for fun should be fulfilling as a hobby, and no one should be made to feel pressure to become a small business with every new talent they acquire.
Overall, it is nice to look back on the lockdown and realise how much you really have achieved, even if it doesn't necessarily fit into the 'normal' idea of progress, and it is important we appreciate these times for what they are and not put pressure on ourselves to progress or succeed somehow. I think everyone should look back on what they have done over lockdown and realise how much there is, that you have overlooked because it didn't look like the success we are pressured to achieve by society. It might be that you talked to family more, or took more walks, watched more movies, read more books, worked on your mental health, started to express yourself more, fixed your sleep schedule, changed your hair or educated yourself on political issues. So much has happened this year and of course the only thing that is important is that you survived it, but if you look around you I am sure you will find you have done so much more than you think.
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